I don’t feel confident in tight clothes nor do I fee confident in loose clothes. The truth is that I have lived my whole life in this middle, gray area.
There are some days when I feel confident in my own skin. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I feel strong, sexy and beautiful.
But there are other days when I cannot stand myself. These are the worst days. I hate the skin I am in. And hate is a strong word, but it accurately describes how I feel. I feel disgusting. Everything about myself seems repulsive.
And as a result, I not only tear myself down internally, but I find these views affect how I react to the world around me. I don’t want to take part in certain activities that usually bring me joy. I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to be touched by my husband. I can’t even bring myself to look into the mirror most days because I am worried I won’t like what I see.
I am the girl who refuses to try on clothes in a dressing room for fear it can change my entire view of myself; any confidence I once held instantly diminished by unflattering lighting and poor fitting clothes.
I look on Instagram and see these beautiful bloggers, influencers, and celebrities with gorgeous bodies and feel less than. Then I see these beautiful plus-sized women, taking over social media with their confidence and curves and feel lost.
You see, my body type has always fallen in a sort of gray area. It is not skinny, but it is not plus-sized, it is right in the middle. There are no magazines or movies that portray it. I love that we are finally representing the plus size world, showcasing their beauty and curves, but I can’t help but still feel lost in this middle area.
And honestly, it breaks my heart to know that there are young girls out there who feel the same. Because I know how it feels to have hatred for your own body. It is horrible. The thought of another girl telling herself the same hurtful things I tell myself breaks my heart.
Our bodies are so beautiful. No matter the pant size or chest size or the number on the scale.
When I was in high school, I convinced myself that my beauty was determined by my pant size. If I went up a size, I refused to buy a new pair, as that was simply not an option. The thought of going up a size brought about a tinge of worthlessness. How could I let this happen? I knew the sizes that were determined to be desirable and I could not let myself lose control.
The thing is, sizes and numbers are just that. They are sizes and numbers; they have no control over how we talk to ourselves or how we view ourselves. Whether you fall in the category of skinny, plus-sized, or the same middle area as me, you are absolutely, undeniably beautiful. You do not need to starve yourself. You do not need to work your body to destruction. You simply need to learn to love the body you were given. You need to listen to it. You need to care for it, both mentally and physically.
I believe everyone is on his or her own self-love journey. It is a journey no one else can take but you. I am on it everyday of my life. I am not perfect. But I know that the sooner I start changing the dialogue I have with myself, the more confident I will become and the sooner I will realize the beauty and light I carry as a woman.
So here is my plan. It is simple plan to change the inner dialogue. And it starts with three simple affirmations you repeat to yourself in the morning:
I choose to be me.
I choose to be brave.
I choose beauty.
As soon as you try to fit yourself into this world, you are losing what it truly means to be you. You are reaching for a standard that is ever changing. So I challenge you to come up with three affirmations that help you and that speak to you. That way, anytime you find yourself starting to talk down on yourself, you can repeat these three affirmations in order to focus back on the positive.