Zac is always telling me to live in the moment, to enjoy what we have and what we have accomplished, rather than instantly moving onto the next thing.
That is hard for me. To live in the moment means to give up control. Control is something I need. It is something I crave…like a drug addict who has become reliant on that next hit.
My need for control is an addiction.
Last night as I sat on the couch enjoying my Halo Top, a reward for completing 10 of my 52 progress reports for work, a phrase that is quite common for me escaped my lips.
“I need to stop.” I stated with an inflection of guilt.
Zac caught those words as soon as I threw them. He turned away from his computer to look at me. Once our eyes met, he looked at me in a sort of scolding way and asked, “Why do you do that to yourself?”
“Do what?” I asked with a hint of false innocence in my voice.
“Why is it always ‘I need to stop’ or ‘I need to do more.’ Why can’t you ever just be content in the moment? Enjoy the ice cream.”
His words really struck me, but I didn’t let him know that. The reason I feel this constant need to either “stop” or “do more,” is because I NEED TO FEEL IN CONTROL. It is my biggest downfall, or tragic flaw if I’m being fancy, which I wish I could rid myself of.
I don’t know where this need for control stems. And ironically enough, the control freak within me yearns to control the amount of control I give to my need to control…if that makes sense.
I will say, this quarantine has granted me freedom to reflect and enjoy the many blessings in my life. Even a simple narrative, such as watching my dog eat peanut butter, is something I found myself tearing up about today.
I LOVE WATCHING HER EAT PEANUT BUTTER. If there is ever a time I need cheering up or I simply need a quick fix of joy, I grab Gabby’s designated spoon from the silverware drawer, load it’s shallow curve with a healthy glob of peanut butter, and watch her eyes expand into perfectly round circles, as her lips and tongue try to swallow the sticky peanut butter. This is one moment of my day when I don’t need control. I am there in the moment, enjoying every silly expression on her face until the peanut butter is gone.
I want to strive to fill my day with peanut butter moments. Moments that make you realize the many tiny blessings you have, no matter how silly they may be. Because the truth of life is, we don’t have control. We can fool ourselves into thinking we do, but when do this, we miss out on those peanut butter moments. We miss out on all the good in life that happens when you stop trying to make things happen.
My message today started out as nonsense in my head, but I love where it brought me. My message for you is to live a life full of peanut butter moments. So if you are like me, that means giving up your need for constant control and enjoying the blessings you have right now.