Alright, here I go.
One day, as I sat in church, I realized the underlying problem that seems to be preventing me from living my life to its fullest potential. This problem is that of feeling forgotten. I imagine that every human feels this a few times or more throughout their life span. However, growing up this idea was always on my mind. I thought that if I wasn’t kind to someone or if I wasn’t smiling then people wouldn’t like me. I thought that if i just kept my true feelings to myself and avoided conflict then I would have more friends. The only problem was that I wasn’t being true to myself. I was a doormat, letting everyone walk over me, forgetting me as soon as they passed through the doorway. Now maybe I am being a tad overdramatic here (got to keep this post interesting, ya feel) but in my mind this is exactly how I felt. And to be honest, I still feel this way from time to time.
Throughout middle school and high school I would often create these scenarios in my head where I would get severely injured or sick. And the reason I wanted this to happen was so that people would notice me. For a brief time people may actually recognize my existence. Very often I remember getting the feeling that I could just disappear and no one would even notice or if I did disappear then it would actually get people to notice me. I felt this in all aspects of my life. It wasn’t until I built my relationship with God and moved away to college that I began to get rid of these thoughts.
I came to accept the fact that I am not the most outgoing person nor am I someone who would rather hang with friends than stay in and do school work. I am someone who gets anxiety over homework, tests, and anything school or work related. I am someone who feels everything very deeply and strongly. I am someone who when I love you, your happiness is the most important to me. And once I began to accept all the aspects that made me, me, I began to feel lighter. And what I realized that rather than these being weaknesses or character flaws, each of the traits that make me who I am are wonderfully unique to me. I am a child of God, who was formed in his image and that makes me awesome. I don’t need approval from people or male interest to prove that to me. When the right people come into my life they will love me for all that I am. And the same goes for everyone reading this. You should never let the opinions of other influence how you live your life. Entering my senior year of college there is one great life lesson I have learned; the greatest limitation you can put on yourself is comparing yourself to others.
There is no other you out walking around the planet. There never will be another you. I can with the upmost confidence say that college has made me grow more as a person than I ever thought possible for myself. I have faced so many more trials throughout these 4 years than I ever thought possible. I went to some dark places, crying myself to sleep at night and having thoughts race through my head that I am not proud of. But I now know that making it through these times, dealing with these troubles, have made me stronger than I have ever been. And though I am not completely confident in who I am, I know that with God by my side I can continue to work on getting to the person I know I can be.
I will leave you all with this quote (which is actually my screen saver right now).
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”